Aug. 2nd, 2009

reileen: (music - piano & smoke)
Summer never lasts long enough for me. Summer never lasts short enough either.

I've been in a very...limbo-y place in my mind lately. (And there aren't even any fucking tiki torches!) I like being alone with my thoughts, but the problem is that my heavy thinking eventually ends up paralyzing me. I need to find more balance in my life, as I learned from Dionysos a while back. I thought I could do it this summer, juggling art stuff (both leisurely and career-related) with some music and writing in-between, and maybe some gaming, reading, or language self-study, and even maintaining (le gasp) a normal-ish sleeping schedule instead of the schedule of a vamp. But all of a sudden it's August and I've been lazing about in my room, despite things that I've gotten done, I feel - as I always seem to do on vacations - like I wasted my break.

I haven't been able to motivate myself that well lately. I think to myself: "what's the point, I'm not good for anything useful anyway". I think to myself: "what the hell is wrong with me, that I can be so fearful when I have a support system to die for". I think to myself: "my dreams are too big for a meek little girl like me". All these questions and thoughts, just little pinpricks...but before I know it, they've pinpricked their way into heavy shackles tattooed on my heart, my mind, my soul.

Balance. I need to find balance. Maybe it rolled under my bed and started a family with the dust bunnies there.


Eidolon [.wav, on Sendspace]

by Reileen van Kaile

these are my puppet strings that bind you here
what is it in my eyes you fear?
I'm the faded photo you burned long ago
reborn from the ashes a million scissor lashes
resurrected by the heat of my hate

here we stand at the threshold to black
take my hand, go now to these lands
savor the salvation that came much too late

how far will my chains let me run?
how long can I believe in your grief?
how could you be so naive?
well, try to save this, just try to hide
from these feelings that you thought long died
you'll never escape these tangled threads that Fate has spun

these are the ghosts that have stayed the course
what need have they of remorse?
I see that still I clasp your tongue
mine to twist, so cease to resist
you'll never find your lady in the sky

I'm your demon angel, your seraphic plague
no disguise, you're wise to finally realize
I'll never return the self that you gave

how far will my chains let me run?
how long can I believe in your grief?
how could you be so naive?
well, try to save this, just try to hide
from these feelings that you thought long died
you'll never escape these tangled threads that Fate has spun

(can you hear me out there
the voice of your little toy?
can you feel my memory
bleeding you into the void?)

well, I've torn away your hellish night
ripped through all your silly lies
yet you deny what any fool can see
you no longer have any power over me

how far will your chains let you run?
how long will you wander your grief
searching for what's left of me?
well, I burned it all, but trust that I cried
for these feelings that have long since died
and now I stand, alone and proud...the battle won

The first draft of these lyrics were written about two years ago(?) after a surprise run-in with an unsavory someone from my past that I thought I'd left behind. I had to put this song through the wringer to get reasonably singable lines that still made some sort of weird sense. I especially had real trouble with the bridge, and I'm still not wholly satisfied with it, but it works. I also had the key in mind and the melody for the first three lines in my head for a while, but it wasn't until recently that I pulled together an arrangement that sounded...somewhat close to what I was imagining. As always, the vocals need work, especially for the chorus, but the piano arrangement is probably my best so far. I'm slowly getting closer to making the music I want to make.

However, since these are the kinds of songs I seem to enjoy writing, I have got to start finding more appropriate venues than the cafe at Borders, because these aren't..."safe" songs, in some ways. I'm definitely not claiming that my songs are edgy or offensive or anything like that, but they're darker than mainstream. At the same time, I don't feel that they're dark enough to be called "gothic" or what-have-you, so if I had to find, like, a gothic club to play these at, I fear I would be laughed out of the place. So I feel kind of...stuck. I have "safe" songs that I can play, but it's things like "Eidolon" and "Gospel of the Shadow of Nobody" that I want to perform. But I'm not sure, exactly, where they fit in terms of genre, in terms of a potential audience. I have no idea who the hell would want to listen to the crap I make besides my close friends that I inflict this stuff upon.

Tangentially related: I finally managed to get a reasonably decent recording of myself performing Tatakau Monotachi. I wouldn't ever feel confident enough about my ability to perform this at a (theoretical) concert, but it's good for catharsis. That's part of why I love playing music: it's intimately physical in a way that my art and writing aren't. Since I sit around on my ass most of the time with art and writing, at least with music I can exercise my arms and vocal cords for a while.

you've got my heart beating like an 808


reileen: (Default)
Reileen van Kaile

April 2010


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