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#30 - Figuring out where I stand.
Jan. 31st, 2007 03:02 amEvery time I head down to the music practice rooms, I tend to discover something new. The magnitude and awesomeness of the newness of said something varies greatly (composing a cute new riff vs. finding out that you got stuck with a piano where the E, A, and G keys located an octave above middle C are pretty much broken), but it's new nonetheless.
This time, I've discovered that having considerable experience in one area while working on a new one is both a blessing and a bane.
The blessing: You have the advantage of looking back on your progress in your area of expertise - let's use the example of art for me - and knowing that you do progress in something if you just keep working at it. Eight years ago, I couldn't draw a male to save my life. Now, I can draw an old man with bulging muscles and have it look like, you know, an old man with bulging muscles. Sure, I still have eons to go before I can draw him consistently well and in a number of poses, but the fact is, I didn't have that ability eight years ago. Or hell, in a relatively more recent space of time, I had no idea how to use the Pen tool in Photoshop about three years ago. Now I can use that thing like a pro - or at least I can handle it well enough that I don't have to think so much about what I'm doing with it. And tracing the evolution of my drawing style is fascinating, to see where it's been. I've always drawn in the anime/manga style, but when I first started out, the influence of the Sailor Moon anime on my art was so blatantly obvious that it couldn't have been more blatantly obvious than if you'd posted a big marquee on the paper saying "I USED SAILOR MOON PICTURES AS REFERENCE FOR THIS DRAWING." (I may post a couple of old sketches to prove this point.) About two years later, my style shifted slightly towards Toshihiro Ono's Pokemon manga adaptation, particularly in the eyes and in his relatively more realistic style. After that, I think it's hard to tell, so we can probably safely assume that I was starting to come into my own style at that point. But it took approximately two phases where my art exhibited obvious influences before I began to be myself. Ironically enough, I still feel like my style is generic anime/manga, ten-yen-a-dozen. But I can't pin down any particular artist that my style resembles, so that's why I feel like I also can say that I have my own style. It's just surreal to look over your old work and think to yourself, "I drew that just a year and a half ago? That's...dude, I can totally do better now." And it's things like that that let you dream that after a year or two working at what you're not so good at - in my case, music and voice - you'll already be so much further than you are now. And to be honest, I do actually feel that way in general about my music.
The bane: Unfortunately, when I think about my art skills now, I also realize that it took me at least eight years to get to my current level. Eight years? Jesus Christ on rye with mayonnaise and tomatoes, I don't have eight fucking years! Well, okay, I do. I'm fairly young, after all. But when I think about where I'm going to be in eight years, it just seems like such a long time to get to where the basics come easily to me, to where the technicalities aren't so technical anymore and it's all about the creation of art. I don't want to have to worry about the bolts; I just want the beauty to come out. And, for my music, the point at which I can stop worrying about the basics and start focusing on just expressing myself is such a long way from now. At least I've got around eleven years total of piano experience behind me, nine of which were spent with weekly lessons. but even then, it feels like I have to re-learn so much, because I think my music education was so unorthodox that I missed out on the basics and now I'm paying for it. There's also the nagging sense that even if I do something now that I think is the best thing ever, I know that in the future it's just going to be another piece of crap in my repertoire. The Gods know that I've got quite a collection of artwork that, at the time I completed it, I thought was the coolest thing to ever grace the earth. Now I just look at all of these drawings and wonder how I ever thought that was decent.
***
I'm still trying to figure out the nuances of my voice. I've been told by a few online friends who've known me for a while before hearing my voice for the first time that I have somewhat of a low voice for a girl. Or, at least, it was lower than what they expected of me.Just because I look and act like an anime character doesn't mean I have the voice of one, durr. And upon listening to a couple thousand playbacks of my voice on my shitty recording software, I can kinda see where they're coming from, and it...surprises me, actually. The way I'm trying to hit notes is...it's not what I expected of myself. It seems that way whenever I'm trying to sing my original songs, anyway. But if I warm up enough, I can imitate the delicate sound of Vienna Teng's voice on the higher notes in her "Lullabye For a Stormy Night" song. On the other hand, if I'm singing a Vanessa Carlton song, I tend not to use my head voice so much and end up leaning towards "belting" out the higher notes, or most of the notes in general. This is when I start realizing that I'm trying too hard to imitate one style or the other, and I have to mentally bitchsmack myself and say, no, bad Reileen, you have to sing things your way. But I'm not sure what "my" way is supposed to be. I don't even know what the right way is, and I'm not sure which sounds better for my voice, or which fits my voice better. From what I've googled on this subject (yes, I am a geek and did google things like "how to sing high notes," stfu), it seems like the two ways (head voice vs."belting") are legitimate ways to go about things, although "belting" out high notes is a rather popular choice among pop singers, and beginners tend to think that it's the "right" way to sing higher notes. I guess it's a matter of experimentation, then? Some people, like Evanescence's Amy Lee, have a range liekwhoah and can really sing. Then there's people like Vienna Teng, who can also really sing, but it's in such a completely different manner. Yet to me, they both sound amazing. I'm currently convinced that Vienna's gracefully subtle style is the best for me (and no, it's not just because I love her to death), but there are times where I think things sound best if I'm kind of screaming them out, if that makes sense. I probably should just take singing lessons, but I don't have the time, I don't have the will to spend the money when I can spend it on things like books and books, and I don't have the guts to try something so seemingly out of my league.
I'm so ambivalent about my voice. I don't hate it or anything (yet). But sometimes I wonder if it's a voice ever worth listening to someday. Even on my good days, I just lay my head on the piano and angst to myself: "Will anyone ever like listening to me sing my shit?" Because if I don't like it, what are the chances that someone else will?
***
Now to work on that Impressionist still life that's due in ART106 today. I had to go to the 7-11 of the first floor of my dorm to buy an apple and two somewhat sorry-looking limes so I could have something vaguely interesting for this project. My still life's too fruitylicious for ya, babe!
-Reileen
but all I can hope for is a pale watercolor dream
This time, I've discovered that having considerable experience in one area while working on a new one is both a blessing and a bane.
The blessing: You have the advantage of looking back on your progress in your area of expertise - let's use the example of art for me - and knowing that you do progress in something if you just keep working at it. Eight years ago, I couldn't draw a male to save my life. Now, I can draw an old man with bulging muscles and have it look like, you know, an old man with bulging muscles. Sure, I still have eons to go before I can draw him consistently well and in a number of poses, but the fact is, I didn't have that ability eight years ago. Or hell, in a relatively more recent space of time, I had no idea how to use the Pen tool in Photoshop about three years ago. Now I can use that thing like a pro - or at least I can handle it well enough that I don't have to think so much about what I'm doing with it. And tracing the evolution of my drawing style is fascinating, to see where it's been. I've always drawn in the anime/manga style, but when I first started out, the influence of the Sailor Moon anime on my art was so blatantly obvious that it couldn't have been more blatantly obvious than if you'd posted a big marquee on the paper saying "I USED SAILOR MOON PICTURES AS REFERENCE FOR THIS DRAWING." (I may post a couple of old sketches to prove this point.) About two years later, my style shifted slightly towards Toshihiro Ono's Pokemon manga adaptation, particularly in the eyes and in his relatively more realistic style. After that, I think it's hard to tell, so we can probably safely assume that I was starting to come into my own style at that point. But it took approximately two phases where my art exhibited obvious influences before I began to be myself. Ironically enough, I still feel like my style is generic anime/manga, ten-yen-a-dozen. But I can't pin down any particular artist that my style resembles, so that's why I feel like I also can say that I have my own style. It's just surreal to look over your old work and think to yourself, "I drew that just a year and a half ago? That's...dude, I can totally do better now." And it's things like that that let you dream that after a year or two working at what you're not so good at - in my case, music and voice - you'll already be so much further than you are now. And to be honest, I do actually feel that way in general about my music.
The bane: Unfortunately, when I think about my art skills now, I also realize that it took me at least eight years to get to my current level. Eight years? Jesus Christ on rye with mayonnaise and tomatoes, I don't have eight fucking years! Well, okay, I do. I'm fairly young, after all. But when I think about where I'm going to be in eight years, it just seems like such a long time to get to where the basics come easily to me, to where the technicalities aren't so technical anymore and it's all about the creation of art. I don't want to have to worry about the bolts; I just want the beauty to come out. And, for my music, the point at which I can stop worrying about the basics and start focusing on just expressing myself is such a long way from now. At least I've got around eleven years total of piano experience behind me, nine of which were spent with weekly lessons. but even then, it feels like I have to re-learn so much, because I think my music education was so unorthodox that I missed out on the basics and now I'm paying for it. There's also the nagging sense that even if I do something now that I think is the best thing ever, I know that in the future it's just going to be another piece of crap in my repertoire. The Gods know that I've got quite a collection of artwork that, at the time I completed it, I thought was the coolest thing to ever grace the earth. Now I just look at all of these drawings and wonder how I ever thought that was decent.
***
I'm still trying to figure out the nuances of my voice. I've been told by a few online friends who've known me for a while before hearing my voice for the first time that I have somewhat of a low voice for a girl. Or, at least, it was lower than what they expected of me.
I'm so ambivalent about my voice. I don't hate it or anything (yet). But sometimes I wonder if it's a voice ever worth listening to someday. Even on my good days, I just lay my head on the piano and angst to myself: "Will anyone ever like listening to me sing my shit?" Because if I don't like it, what are the chances that someone else will?
***
Now to work on that Impressionist still life that's due in ART106 today. I had to go to the 7-11 of the first floor of my dorm to buy an apple and two somewhat sorry-looking limes so I could have something vaguely interesting for this project. My still life's too fruitylicious for ya, babe!
-Reileen
but all I can hope for is a pale watercolor dream
