#26 - Self-help, help thyself.

[reileen]

I hate this.

Why can't I motivate myself to do what I want/need to do?

This happens with me (and probably a lot of other people) about 95% of the time. I say I'm going to do something, and I never do it. Never. And I know I should, because it would be for my benefit, or it would just make me feel accomplished, or whatever. In a way, it's a case of the sentiment "It sounded like a good idea until I tried to do it." I know I should do it, and I know I can do it, and I know I'll feel like shit afterwards if I don't do it, and I still don't do it.

I haven't stuck to the New Years' Schedule I made for myself at all. The only thing I've done on it would be the Hellenic study time on Thursdays, but even that is cursory and superficial, not at all what I thought I'd be doing. I just find I don't have the energy. Which puzzles me, because it's not like I'm stressing myself out over school, even with a conference paper that I'm currently writing for work. But maybe it's because things are too lax that I'm not motivated...? No, it's not that, because even during the hectic times during second semester of senior year in high school, I was unmotivated and lazy as well.

I don't know what it is that's making me so lax. It's not like I don't know what I want to do, and nothing drastic has happened in my life lately to make me depressed to the point of constant vegetation. Maybe it's not even the drastic things, though; maybe it's just a culmination of little things over time, little bugs that begin to cluster around you and eventually just drag you down. It gets to the point where you don't feel like doing anything, for no apparent reason at all; you just don't.

This should be a fresher, cheerier time in my life than before. But all I'm feeling is stale and frozen. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy (although I can't remember a time in my life where I was conscious of being unusually happy, and anyway by nature I'm not necessarily a "happy" person). I'm in this limbo still, where I've been floating for at least a year.

I don't know. I've disappointed myself so many times this year and it's only been three weeks into the year.




***

My sole consolation is that I am immensely enjoying playing The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for Gamecube.

-Reileen
for it's my thoughts that bind me here