#329 - y helo thar August.

[reileen]

Summer never lasts long enough for me. Summer never lasts short enough either.

I've been in a very...limbo-y place in my mind lately. (And there aren't even any fucking tiki torches!) I like being alone with my thoughts, but the problem is that my heavy thinking eventually ends up paralyzing me. I need to find more balance in my life, as I learned from Dionysos a while back. I thought I could do it this summer, juggling art stuff (both leisurely and career-related) with some music and writing in-between, and maybe some gaming, reading, or language self-study, and even maintaining (le gasp) a normal-ish sleeping schedule instead of the schedule of a vamp. But all of a sudden it's August and I've been lazing about in my room, despite things that I've gotten done, I feel - as I always seem to do on vacations - like I wasted my break.

I haven't been able to motivate myself that well lately. I think to myself: "what's the point, I'm not good for anything useful anyway". I think to myself: "what the hell is wrong with me, that I can be so fearful when I have a support system to die for". I think to myself: "my dreams are too big for a meek little girl like me". All these questions and thoughts, just little pinpricks...but before I know it, they've pinpricked their way into heavy shackles tattooed on my heart, my mind, my soul.

Balance. I need to find balance. Maybe it rolled under my bed and started a family with the dust bunnies there.

***

Eidolon [.wav, on Sendspace]

Eidolon
by Reileen van Kaile

these are my puppet strings that bind you here
what is it in my eyes you fear?
I'm the faded photo you burned long ago
reborn from the ashes a million scissor lashes
resurrected by the heat of my hate

here we stand at the threshold to black
take my hand, go now to these lands
savor the salvation that came much too late

how far will my chains let me run?
how long can I believe in your grief?
how could you be so naive?
well, try to save this, just try to hide
from these feelings that you thought long died
you'll never escape these tangled threads that Fate has spun

these are the ghosts that have stayed the course
what need have they of remorse?
I see that still I clasp your tongue
mine to twist, so cease to resist
you'll never find your lady in the sky

I'm your demon angel, your seraphic plague
no disguise, you're wise to finally realize
I'll never return the self that you gave

how far will my chains let me run?
how long can I believe in your grief?
how could you be so naive?
well, try to save this, just try to hide
from these feelings that you thought long died
you'll never escape these tangled threads that Fate has spun

(can you hear me out there
the voice of your little toy?
can you feel my memory
bleeding you into the void?)

well, I've torn away your hellish night
ripped through all your silly lies
yet you deny what any fool can see
you no longer have any power over me

how far will your chains let you run?
how long will you wander your grief
searching for what's left of me?
well, I burned it all, but trust that I cried
for these feelings that have long since died
and now I stand, alone and proud...the battle won

The first draft of these lyrics were written about two years ago(?) after a surprise run-in with an unsavory someone from my past that I thought I'd left behind. I had to put this song through the wringer to get reasonably singable lines that still made some sort of weird sense. I especially had real trouble with the bridge, and I'm still not wholly satisfied with it, but it works. I also had the key in mind and the melody for the first three lines in my head for a while, but it wasn't until recently that I pulled together an arrangement that sounded...somewhat close to what I was imagining. As always, the vocals need work, especially for the chorus, but the piano arrangement is probably my best so far. I'm slowly getting closer to making the music I want to make.

However, since these are the kinds of songs I seem to enjoy writing, I have got to start finding more appropriate venues than the cafe at Borders, because these aren't..."safe" songs, in some ways. I'm definitely not claiming that my songs are edgy or offensive or anything like that, but they're darker than mainstream. At the same time, I don't feel that they're dark enough to be called "gothic" or what-have-you, so if I had to find, like, a gothic club to play these at, I fear I would be laughed out of the place. So I feel kind of...stuck. I have "safe" songs that I can play, but it's things like "Eidolon" and "Gospel of the Shadow of Nobody" that I want to perform. But I'm not sure, exactly, where they fit in terms of genre, in terms of a potential audience. I have no idea who the hell would want to listen to the crap I make besides my close friends that I inflict this stuff upon.

Tangentially related: I finally managed to get a reasonably decent recording of myself performing Tatakau Monotachi. I wouldn't ever feel confident enough about my ability to perform this at a (theoretical) concert, but it's good for catharsis. That's part of why I love playing music: it's intimately physical in a way that my art and writing aren't. Since I sit around on my ass most of the time with art and writing, at least with music I can exercise my arms and vocal cords for a while.

-Reileen
you've got my heart beating like an 808

Comments

[dantaron.livejournal.com]

Hehe. xD That first paragraph sounds like it could've been written by me, so I totally understand you there, Sora.
Personally, and a friend of mine pointed this out to me, I find that the problem might be being alone too much. Humans are naturally social creatures, and sometimes being alone with our thoughts too much can lead to exactly what you described. And when you're out with friends, talking or having a good time, you hardly have time for those kind of crippling thoughts, and you're too exhilarated afterwards that those thoughts don't arise, either.
Of course, regarding 'wasting your break'... that's actually related to what I just said. Society has us all believing the picture of summer vacation as a time of endless bonfires, partying, and spending time at the beach, playing sports and such. But that lifestyle isn't for everyone, and there's nothing wrong with doing creative ventures instead. x3

Also, Eidolon is awesome. The bridge/finale was really pretty and epic, and as always, that first half is just crazyawesome, both musically and melodically. I can see your voice is improving and your vocal lines are also definitely improving - but I also heard a few parts where it sounded like you went for the big operatic notes and missed it a little bit. Perfectly understandable, you don't exactly have a frame conductive to stuff like that. ^^;; That gives you something to practice, though, since those notes require careful articulation to not fall a little flat, or a little sharp (I think you were leaning towards the flat side a liiittle, but I may be wrong). xD

Anyway, this is definitely awesome. If this is the kind of music you're going to be making, I want moar!

And regarding your troubles of finding an audience - if you're worried about conforming to mainstream expectations and Borders being too tame (which it may be), I would actually recommend busking (probably in a well-travelled area so no one mugs you for your keyboard), if you can pull it off somehow. You'd both see how your songs were received and receive an amount of money relative to that.
Also, you can practice some of your songs in a music store, or a smaller cafe which may be geared specifically at up and coming artists.

The biggest step, of course, is to polish Eidolon -just so-, and then send it as a demo to various record labels. =o

[mia-noire.livejournal.com]

Ignore what you think you are "expected" to play at Borders. I promise you, you are better than the lady we have who comes in and sings about her cat. I shit you not. I am just saying. Until you find better venues, use it for what it is: a place to get practice performing and raise a few bucks. You never know. Occasionally, music people drift through and you never know- one of them might be able to hook you up. But I understand the frustration when you are putting out such awesome stuff as Eidolon. Borders is not good enough for you, but until you find somewhere better, use it and make a few bucks, non? Also, say hi to me. ^.^
(Also, while I am thinking of it, what about Potbellys? I was just thinking- they've had people playing there before. You would be expected to play mellow or happy stuffs, but it is exposure and more practice.)
I also feel you. I don't feel I've wasted my summer, I just feel that I haven't done *enough* But I think dantaron has it right- you might need to stop isolating yourself and get out more often. I love my time alone, it is very precious to me, but I am leagues and leagues happier since I've started making regular time socializing with people- grabbing a coffee with a friend here or there, calling someone to chat, heading out to do stuff with the Boy, my dance class, hell, last week I took my mom out for a drink just because we don't talk much anymore and that was even kind of nice. It has done wonders. And I still get lots of time alone. It connects back to your point- you need balance. Balance time with people that you like and new people, people that inspire you and can help connect you with solitude. I hope you find it, my dear. You are a beautiful, talented girl- more brain and more heart than most. Don't be so hard on yourself.